Assistant Blog: more piranha hits here

Assistant Blog: more piranha hits here

Note to self to keep checking this one.Rather interesting and lively in these parts.

Boy Meets Boy (Channel 5)

I don't know if anyone saw this programme that was on at a weird time in the afternoon last week and this one, but I think that it would have been a whole lot more evil and bitchy if it had been gay or bisexual women instead of gay men.

Good programme nevertheless.

Babe alert - oh what to do what to do

God! This absolutely luuuuuuurvely girl came in to work today. She was beautiful and tiny, and had gorgeous black hair. Her voice was all dusky and husky. I was impressed at the beauty of her passport pic, because no matter how hard I try, mine is always rubbish!

I didn't know what to say to her really.

I absolutely hate that. Being all stupid and girly and speechless.

What should I have done do you think?

Cillit Bang bloody bang

This has to be the most annoying product to find to buy. Ever. It cleans. Everything. The name is rubbish. The advert is beyond belief. The worst thing however, is the embarrassment you feel when asking for aforementioned, stupidly named product, in sensible shop, with ill informed, uncool, wide eyed sales girl. I mean, I just died last week. Right there in the shop. When the girl made me repeat my enquiry, oh, like, round about three times.

My mother thinks it's a joke. She nearly had me believe it too until I googled it and came across the makers of the product who do not mention it on their website, and a few other blogs mentioning it as well.

My research has found that Morrisons do it (of which we have none round here), or Wilkinson do (apparently). This made my little ole ears prick up and so tomorrow morning, just before hopping off to do a spot of tenpin, have noted on "really need to do list", as opposed to my "yeah in my dreams" list, that I will pop in there and try my luck.

Stupid, stupid advert. But clever, clever marketing.

The thing better bloody work!

Working for the god damn devil

I mean, this is what I am doing. Today is Day 2 (not exactly working, more listening to) the Devil. My workplace shall be forever known as Devillsville.

On the first day I was most disappointed to find that everyone in the place is so god damn nasty. Nasty. Nasty. Nasty. Bad skin. Bad hair. Bad suits. Brrrrrr. So it appears there will be no funny business going on in the broom cupboard with any potential bi girls. Shame:-( Not even any decent tit action to spice up the vibe.

Bring on the tit action and fix up with the fat arse behaviour I say!

Ouija you betcha

Cough, cough, cough.

Update on the online ouija board predictions that I mentioned in an earlier post, are in fact, quite curious.

I am indeed pregnant. In October like it said. I have no idea whether the baby will be a girl, until the pain and torture that will occur in nine months or less. I have indeed got a rather interesting job, although ít is working for the Devil himself. I bought a lottery ticket on the day that I asked but then I happened to lose the ticket in the next moment, so I may be a very rich person without knowing.

Am back on the free trial DVD scenario after paying for a couple of months with Screenselect. I'm now using Blockbuster and have to say that they are very good - up to date movies and quality DVDS that don't freeze. The only thing that I don't like is the price. 13.99 for 3 at a time. It's a pound more than everyone else.

Worst film watched through them is most definitely : Identity.

Complete pants. Waste of money to make and waste of money to rent it out (unless you're on the freebie thing).

Full on breasts lick those lips, Real or Fake?

One of the most interesting movies I watched recently through www.blockbuster.co.uk was Swimming Pool, starring the interesting breasts of Ludivine Sagnier. Am debating on the authenticity of these fine breasts.

Are they?

Drunken husbands..what is the point?

This is the question I ask myself. When will humans realise that if one person has drunk two bottles of wine and the other hasn't, then someone will think they are funny, humourous and full of wit, whereas the other will just think "Prat"?

Shabby show I know

There I was blabbing off my mouth about how I would attempt to write much, much more on a really regular basis, and..I have slacked:-(

Girl action is absolutely appalling. Worthing is a weird little place in this respect. Everyone hides. What they feel. What they are into. I don't know if this is just an English thing, or a Worthing, town mentality. It feels a bit like Munich in that respect.

What makes things even more difficult is that two good personals sites, namely Yahoo and Loopylove, have a few girls on there wanting sex, but I just can't get at 'em! Arrgh!

Why?

I have my biggest gripe with Yahoo as they still only accept credit cards. Not everyone on this planet has credit cards. Not everyone is American, and neither does everyone have patience.

Loopylove on the other hand, accepts my card but most of the girls that are 'apparently interested' in me, live millions and zillions of miles away.

How annoying.

Another little 'thing' that I have noticed is this blogs profile views. 200 profile views. Who are these people? The silent ones who never leave a message on the answerphone either I suspect? I am curious about the silent ones.

You see, when I call someone up and they have an answermachine, I chat for hours:-) Or at least until their tape runs out!Hehe;-)

The Talking Head

The Talking HeadFor anyone interested in US Election race.

Text Girl Deletion

Am all silent with TextGirl as she obviously cannot cope with life or without drugs. After two weeks I finally understood her on the telephone. You know why?

Because she had no money to buy drugs so she was as straight as the line.

Was a bit scary for me really.

At this point I have to say I am pro drugs. Precisely because they fuck you up and if you wanna go to the extreme of being completely fucked up, then go for it. Me, on the same, not the other, hand, got fucked on drugs and love to go back for more.

Nuff said.

Except I have just moved and am now in a fantabulous house instead of a flat. It's big. Airy. Spacious. And simply begging for a party!

Ouija go madness

Apparently according to an Ouija Board, (online I hasten to add), I will get pregnant in October. I will have a baby girl. I will have a nice job in December. I will not sing on stage again. My ex husband still loves me. I should buy a lottery ticket tomorrow.

It's obvious I need to go to bed, wake up, get a life.

Music sounds better in my head (apparently)

In my title I was about to use the word alledgedly (hmm had to think about the spelling on that one!), then I thought better becuase didn't want to confuse myself with the attempt of the possibility of suing myself. Could become far too entertaining for myself. I hate that in news 'items'. That word. Alledgedly. People are just too scared to say the truth these days. Fear of sueage. Yep just made that word up. Will not be using spellcheck this time. I'm not scared, I'm not scared. Fact is, am far too into the music that is not being blagged and bragged about. The music that is rocking without moving the television. The unsung albums that people (usually thirtysomethings) know are rocking and don't need the confirmation. So. My head is rocking completely to Kelis. Yes. Her. Her who tries too hard in these latest video offerings, for what reason I have not yet figured out. But.

The track is : Attention. Album. Tasty. Artist. Kelis.

Fantabulous.

As an aside. TextGirl (oh she with the breasts only a man dared dream about being in the middle of, until me that is), has lost the plot. I don't think it was to do with interacting with me. Really:-)

Turn left, (can't have another aside now can we?), exgirlfriend in Munich is really, really on one. Which is just the behaviour that all men do (the exes), when they find out that we have another:-)

Women are like buses aren't they?

This is my thought.

Why?

Because all these months that I have had this mysterious phone ad live, have not heard much from women. Then I meet someone I really like and then the messages are coming thick and fast. I just can't get over this regular occurrence. I know that this will happen but it surprises me nonetheless.

A partiuclarly intersting woman has rung and will be known as Gatwick Express. She "likes women and this would be the first time for me".

I can't help it. I have a weakness for first timers:-)

My ex girlfriend is also not impressed that TextGirl is on the scene. She has nicknamed her 'WonderGirl' with a thick layering of sarcasm and a dash of distaste. Ex has now stated that she is coming to stay at my house for a week in October, and hope this pisses off TextGirl. I haven't said no to my ex because there is no guarantee that TextGirl will still be around then.

The sex with my ex is really something not to be sniffed at.

I believe I am getting to understand the term 'Player'.

Hmm.

A pause for girl on girl hot sex.

Apologises for not having written about the meeting of TG (Text Girl for those not in the know) on Sunday. Have been on a sexual buzz since then. Sorry for not taking the time to pause whilst I was licking up some tasty sugar. The lesson was truly learnt. If people do not put themselves on an attractiveness scale, without anyone asking them to, then this means, you could be nicely surprised. As I was. Ok. That was an English under, under statement.

Text Girl is more gorgeous than my mind could have ever imagined (and I have a lot of that up there let me tell you!). Breasts to make you go "ooh" and a body fitter than Kwikfit. So I was speechless for, like, an eon or two.

Took TG to The Shack and to my utmost horror, first the owner "went on one" chasing TG like a puppy does his tail. Telling me about what a babe she is (as if I didn't know) and then secondly, the crazy woman I met last week in there was also there. Trying to snog me again. In front of TG.

I was shaking my head in complete disbelief.

Luckily TG was cool.

We even got to the crucial 2nd phonecall stage where she suggested we drive to Brighton today. Which we did. With the kids. Mine. She has none. Was fab.

She's gone home now but will be back later.

Maybe she is keen for round two tonight?

Better change the sheets. Just in case:-)

Cooking with the text girl

Finally got the courage in the bag to call New Text Girl, forever known as TG. Turns out she lives in Bognor (and never been to Butlins, oh lucky girl!). She is 'street' as I first thought by her voice, but it seems she is on my level. Can't belive it! What I really cannot believe is her description of herself.
 
Mediterranean. Long black hair (forgot to ask about her eyes), tanned....sounds rather yummy to me. Plus (and there is indeed a plus).
 
She's a nurse.
 
We meet on Sunday.
 
She is completely nothing like the minger of last week.
 
Thank God.

Sexual dream about JASON JAYSUS

Slightly off the point BUT.

More of a personal note to myself that I am watching too much Big Brother.

Last night I was awoken at 3 A.M by a very sexual dream about Jason. If you are not one of the addicts to this BB then that's good. However, those who do watch it, know that I have a serious problem.

I totally disowned my own husband for this man.

Can't believe it.

Am disgusted.

Simple as that.

Punter

I went out all weekend, each night blurring into the next without missing a beat. So it's obviously clear that I would arise to the beauty of Monday, with a spot on my arse. Never in my life have I had one of these beauties. Fascinating.
 
I went to The Shack as usual because of the Jamaican Rum and the Red Stripe both being in the same bar. Bliss.  On the Friday I was fully charged with double shots of Rum and pulsating with crap drugs turning me on turbo charge. We ran out of money, as girls tend to do, but we wanted one last shot. So, I asked 'John', who was most definitely the shy punter type. The type that would be in and out quietly in three minutes flat, fifty quid quietly laid on the bedside table and a 'thank you' as he left kind of bloke. He bout us the round. I told him no matter what mental state I was in , I would be back to drop off his money. He just smiled. Of course he didn't believe me.
 
I felt so smug returning the next night. Hubby on my arm. Plus John's money.
 
Not all girls are bad:-)
 
Met a totally mental woman on the Friday and she snogged me. Twice. I've got her number...

New text girl on the block

A new girl has left a message on my expensive 10 zillion quid per breath mailbox. The curious thing about her is that she says (as one of her introductory sentences) that she is 'straight'. (so why call me?). She wants to feel 'the edge of a woman'. (could someone please enlighten me as to the meaning of that little chestnut?

You know what?

I feel a krank alert coming on...

Movie sliding it's way through my letterbox tomorrow (which I actually want to watch): The Fighting Tempations Methinks there is a subliminal message in their somewhere.

100 girls breasts on your noticeboard.Bit much?

My ex guitarist has a noticeboard. A special one. Am wondering if it is a 'man' thing or a 'nutter in the making thing', or even 'something bi girls should invest their time in' kinda thing. All the women he has ever slept with in his 30 plus years are displayed on this noticeboard. No faces. Just different attire featuring 'da breasts'. He knows who everyone is just by the photo of the breasts. Should I be disturbed?

Probably.

Should I take up this fascinating pastime?

Definitely. Maybe.

Naughty ex girlies

Spoke to Miss T last night. My Ex. She is currently shagging two girls. Separately. Without the other knowing. Yet. I am going to visit her in August, just to give her clit a good clean out. She can't wait. Apparently. She is the best sex that I ever had with a girl. Of course I'm going back for more. Never say no. That's my motto.

Book currently taking up all my time on the loo: Budda Da

Fly the flag why don't ya!

I am not American and do not wish to be. I think to understand an American is exactly on a par with trying to understand Catholics or Muslims. Or even Christian. I think you have to be one to 'get it'. As one not being particularly keen on Americans, I can say from one experience (which equals 100 percent) that the best shag I had with a girl was with an American lost and wandering in Munich. She was a dominatrix with a whip. Good looking. Sparkly, twinkling, naughty eyes and all the experience you could wish for. She tied me up and blindfolded me in 0 - 60 so fast, you just about managed to catch your next breath. She was good. Very, very good.

Movie am watching and no one else should: The Rock

Threesome thoughts

I wonder why men think that as a bisexual girl this automatically means there is an imaginary sticker/lightbulb/neon sign (delete as applicable) on or above my head, stating threesome alert? I have nothing against threesomes but this is besides the point! The point is that men really need to think further than their todger.(Hard to do I know)...

Movie to watch tonight: Head of State

Come on chicken

I discovered a really simple recipe from the Sainsbury's magazine (this month's I believe) for Chicken Satay. Made it once before and nearly wet my pants with the lushness of it. Just had it, with the sauce, which contains coconut milk, peanut butter, Thai chilli sauce and a shallot. With a salad with rose balsamic vinegar, and garlic bread (the last of the packets from yesterday).

Am now debating on whether to stock up on some wine or beer for the football tonight that I just discovered was on.

Big feast for a big hunger

Today my brother has come with his wife. So of course I have to show off, especially as there is no football on to distract me. Started at 3.30 this afternoon and still cooking. West Indian lamb casserole, with Jamaican rice and peas (done the correct and fancy way, with fresh thyme, spring onions, coconut cream and black eyed peas for a change). I have also done Kentucky (not fried) chicken, corn on the cob, and garlic bread (okay hands up I picked them up at Bejams) and I am still baking a gingerbread cake which we will devour with custard (yep, from a tin).

I think with this menu, I am allowed to have the Bejam bread and the Ambrosia custard aren't I?

She punches her fist in the air shouting...YES!

Nice 2 meet u l-Nite.However don't wish 2 take it any further. (me neither) No chemistry 4 me. (ditto). And not on ure wave length! (somehow I think you got THAT right). Sorry (definitely not me mate, more like, nice one!).

What does it all mean?

Ok.There was a moment of madness. Time now: 2.09, yes, in the morning. Shazza has just left. I think she came round due to the nationwide feeling of defeat that happened tonight with the football. Let's not go there. I know about all the rules about meeting someone on the first date and how you are not to meet them IN your house. However I am not conventional and yes, I like to take risks. Okay not with my life. But still risks. She came round. When I mentioned in a previous entry about bag over the head, this is what EXACTLY what I thought when she turned up at my front door. I had warned her that I had Eve and there was no way that she was "coming round for coffee", when blood was still pouring out through my nether regions. She came round regardless.

I don't know. You know what it's like when you drink alcohol (especially to drown the odd sorrow now and again), suddenly images (including people) become beautiful. I tried to 'undrunk' myself. To bring back the ugliness that I knew existed in this face. It didn't happen. Maybe I am being nice. She says she will see me tomorrow. I have the feeling we won't. And when this happens..I think that I will actually be glad. Otherwise she will become another one of those women who "I wish I hadn't".

Only tomorrow knows.

Maybe there's a witch out there for me?

Got an interesting SMS tonight (from a witch that I met at The Shack). The Witch says that she wants to see me. (By the way she is a good one, not an evil one). She says I am to come to The Shack in Worthing tomorrow and hang with her. I don't know where this woman stands, except that she freaked me out with her high perceptions of life and, particularly, of me. I am not a woman who is easily read. I had to SMS back and state that no can do tomorrow. Saturday would be better. (I can heal my hangover better on a weekend than in the week).

Let's see.

The Shack in Worthing is not called that. It's called something else. I think my nickname for it is better, or rather, stays in my mind better. It's the one and only Jamaican Bar in Worthing. The fact there is one at all is way beyond me. But necessary. For me.

Stalk me why don't ya!

I read somewhere yesterday that we, as human beings, should expect to be stalked at least once in our lives.

I have been stalked twice so far.

One was a butch bulldyke.

The other was just butch.

And damn ugly.

Brrrrrrrr.

Smells like hash brown

Shazza sent me an SMS last night.

'How was your chips, were they as good as my lips?'

Just what am I supposed to answer to that?

I didn't even have chips last night.

Hiccup, cough, cough

Can't believe that Rooney is playing like a mental superstar freak footballer and actually scoring goals for England. Scholes dry spell is over. England are laughing and so should France. Even though both are through, am not feeling that confident or comfortable about it. One of my two bets to win outright are now out. Meaning Croatia. All I have left is Sweden to win it.

Thing is, I think I need to do a rush bet for England to actually win it. Somehow, that just doesn't feel right for some reason. ThIngs like waste of money spring to mind.

Chicken Run

Just received an SMS stating Shazza can't make our date today:-( She will call later in the week to re-arrange. The suspense is going to kill me just that little bit longer then. She doesn't know what I look like and vice versa. Images of nice-bod-shame-about-the-face, swirl around in my head, and yeah, scare me.

Having a roast chicken tonight, stuffed with lemons, freshly picked basil and garlic with a crisp green salad. Just perfect to go along with England v Croatia tonight.

Last night I won another bet on Russia v Greece.

Tonight's game is far too risky, so not betting as the game could go either way I believe.

Fingers crossed.
Legs crossed.
Neck in a twist.

Reasons to be cheerful Part 1

Spoke to Shazza last night for about an hour. Blond. 5'6. Slim. 38DD.

Nuff said.

Birds of a feather

One drunken night, a couple of months ago, I put an ad on 'somewhere out there', on the prowl for bisexual girls. I have no idea where it is, as when I ask some girls where they saw the ad, there appears to be a variety of sources. So the women come from far and wide.

Finally last night I received a voice message from a woman who lives in this same fair town as myself and says that we should meet for coffee;-) There are two problems to this offer.

1 I have never ever met a woman for 'just' coffee. Most of the time it ends in sex and/or the very least a right good snog.

2 Her name is Sharon.

Hmmm.

Let's see.

Dutch Light, Smug Sunday

Oh what glee and what delight I had last night watching the Czech Republic beat Holland 3-2.Ha bloody ha. I had put a bet on and the odds were good but I didn't really think that the Czechs would do it. Imagine mental woman screaming like a lunatic when they actually did.

Oh what a smug Sunday it is.

People who sit down a lot

I can totally understand why people who sit down a lot in this country, wouldn't be tempted to run out and buy a ton of fruit and veg from places such as Iceland (which I forever call Bejams, remember them?), or other big supermarkets. Fell short of a major heart attack at the price of a bag of 6 apples yesterday. GBP1.29. Are these organisations insane? SIX APPLES?

My problem is that I tend to 'pop out to the shops' just when the local greengrocer is about to close (who are also overpriced but still cheaper than the supermarket and without the needless excess packaging). Must make note to get out earlier.

Having spent the last four years in Munich (which is 3 times cheaper to live, especially like a queen than here), I still just cannot understand why we put up with this absurdity without so much as a bat of an eyelid.

Kid behaviour 

Yesterday 

Art in Worthing 

Artish wave

I felt quite choked by the sea today. It was the perfect blue and the perfect turquoise.Unfortunate that I had to spend the day at CAB (Citizen's Advice Bureau), trying to outsmart my obnoxious Letting Agent, before they throw us out. I think a plan of attack has been established, and Monday will be the day of war. Who will win this battle, am not quite sure.

I was most happy with Greece drawing with cocky Spain, but will be sooooo embarrassed if England dare to lose against Switzerland today. I will place my final bet on Monday as to who will win the tournament. Am debating between Sweden, Denmark and my fun bet for Greece:-) The thing about big football competitions is that they turn you into stupid alcoholics for a month, and not much cooking gets done. I really fancied a Chinese yesterday but didn't quite drag myself there, so made do with cheesy pasta and salami with garlic, onions and olive oil. Simple but delicious and more importantly, quick. ALong with a green salad. Made in record speed for the evening game:-)

What you can do with a bread machine! 

Dodgy, Kilroy and UKIP

I must express my concern about this political party in Britain, but have to simultaneously congratulate them on their clever use of words. Words and wordsmiths are dangerous if used in a secretive and manipulative way, such as this party , the UK Independence Party.

Thankfully, today I have had my hunger for a goal totally whet.Sweden 1 - Bulgaria 0 at half time.I think that Sweden will score one more.

This Lambrini is starting to taste alright, which is a bit disturbing.

Robert Kilroy Silk may be a sexy gentleman in a James Bond kind of way but being sucessful in obtaining a bucketload of new support for the party, somehow leaves a nasty taste in my mouth.

What I see every day 

Gutted

I don't really want to talk about last night's football match. Apart from saying "Gutted". Smiled when saw the exact same sentiments in big letters on the front page of The Sun this morning.I don't buy newspapers but I do love a headline of a morning.

Am so speechless that I was unable to knock up anything more spectacular than eggs, potato wedges from McCain and beans.

Too depressed.

Down to the Lambrini that I dare to drink on repeat during the pathetic game that is Italy v Denmark.At this level of football, there should be goals in every match.Really. Hope this gets better.