Yeah but no but yeah but no but

Effing kids.

My head hurts.

Minger versus Uber Minger

You know Alien versus Predator right? Well what I saw last night on Eastenders was a sight far, far worse.

What on earth are the 'storyline writers' thinking of, to spring, completely out of the blue, the ungodly visual of Naomi (Minger) kissing Uber Minger Sonya?

I have always disliked this character Sonya. Just a nasty example of what you could become if you don't wash.

The new character, Naomi, is also nasty. Big ole forehead, ridiculous whining, whingy voice, and big ole teeth.

"Oh I know, let's make a Super Uber Minger shock plot just before Christmas!" exclaims Eeedjut Storyline Man 1.

"Yep, great idea man, I second that. The viewers will love that!" says Eeedjut Storyline Man 2.

Well you know what, you stupid, bunch of Eeedjut Storyline Men?

All you did was make me physically sick.

Brighton Arts Fair 2005

I went to the Brighton Arts Fair 2005 on Saturday and it was really interesting. It is, oddly, only in its second year. My friend and I decided that Brighton appears to be a place where you would expect such things to happen as the norm but only now is the city starting to catch up with its own hype.

I have always been into all things arty but I'm going through a phase of being an art-addict-maniac-obsessed kinda girl at the moment.

Fine by me.

Not so much with the bank manager.

It is also quite true for the survey of yesterday, especially my 'weakness'. I wouldn't consider the fact that if someone asks me "Do I look fat in this dress?", and I reply "Yes" as a weakness though.

It's called The Truth.

Boo!

Your Birthdate: October 30

You have the type of personality that people either love or hate. You're opinionated, dramatic, intense, and very outspoken. And some people can't get enough of you - they're totally addicted. Others, well, they wish you were a little more reserved. Your strength: Your flair Your weakness: If you think it, you say it Your power color: Scarlet red Your power symbol: Inverted triangle Your power month: March

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Am I bovvered dough?

Today I have many options open to me. I could..

1. Go across the road and drink copious amounts of alcohol at the West Worthing Working Men's Club and fight with a Silver Surfer until I get thrown out at 11.30p.m.
2. Go to the end of my road and drink stupid amounts of alcohol in a rough pub and have a fight with a hard faced bitch until I get thrown out at midnight.
3. Go to the local village nightclub (yes, I know Worthing is a town but mentality is definitely village), drink until paralyzed and fight with oneself until thrown out at 3.a.m
4. Stay in with hubbie. Both get bladdered. Have fabtabulous sex until we fall asleep at 6 in the morning.

Decisions, decisions.

Bound and gagged

My kind of girl has always been someone who looks like Gina Gershon from Bound (no idea why everyone goes for Jennifer Tilly), with the spirit of Queen Latifah in Set it Off (one of my all time fave movies).

Maybe this is why I am having a problem here in Worthing. I'm too fussy.

Does this mix of a girl live in Cambridge?

;-)

Blogs that make you wet your pants...at least a bit

My feet are freezing. Shopping in town at the Wednesday market in Worthing was a disaster. No gloves equals no fingers left to carry anything. Promptly came home ,after having done a mere 400 steps on my Walkers free pedometer, really, really vexed.

Came online and discovered this hilariously written blog. It's British as well, which is fab. I get annoyed that American blogs that are supposed to be funny, just so are, erm, not. It must be something to do with my aversion to over use of the words 'awesome' and 'aaaaarrrgh'. Does my head right in.

So to celebrate British humour day (today, who said, I did) I am gonna link to a few blogs that I think are a bit funny and most definitely British. Can you lead me in the right direction?

I think we all need a bit of a laugh when the weather is such shite.

http://jillymel.blogspot.com/
http://www.jonnybillericay.blogspot.com/

Whatever, Minger

I think spell check would have a problem with the word 'minger'.

For those not knowing what a minger is click here.

I am wondering where the beautiful girls of Britain live. Which town would people say has the best looking babes. People are always talking about the country with the best looking women but I thought it would be nice to know where the fine British ladies live.

Is there only one town? Or are they spread all over the island?

Letter to self

Dear Self

I have noticed whilst perusing your pages that you keep writing to me. Reminding me of things. Do you know me self? I think that you do, just a little. Sometimes you feel whole. Sometimes not. A moment comes and you feel the flesh of a firm, hard, he and sometimes a wisp floats by and catches your eye that is, she.

Who says that one cannot hold a firm, hard whisper or touch a wispy, soft, flesh.

Who decides the rules self?

Is it you, or is it me?

Note from self to you: this is my 100th post. Join me as I party like it's 1999.

Where are all the nuts?

What is the world coming to when you can't get nuts and sauce with your ice cream? 

In the wee small hours bisexuality kicks in

I got aggravated.

By P2P passwords.

Why oh Why?

They even have whole forums just for password retrieval.

Jaysus.

I am aggravated.

By the fact that I haven't got a solid opinion still about gay couples marrying legally on 21 December. I mean, is this what I want to do? Is this what I would do ? I think that it is absolutely disgusting that if you have a same sex partner (and let's not even go into if you have more than one at the same time and are committed to both partners), you are discriminated against. You are. This much is fact. However, if you marry, is this not just so conservative and 'non gay'? Non radical?

I've just bit off my last nail with all this angst.

I want to know what I think. Without uncertainty.

But I don't know.

There are so many same sex partners that have been together for zillions of years including my man Elton John, and all respect goes to him and others. It just doesn't feel right to me. (the marriage bit, not being together for zillions) . If I was gay, I know I would feel stupid walking down the aisle in a white dress (for more than one reason let me tell you) and my partner for life dressed the same as me. Believe me I have seen the pictures.

'Sitting on the fence' is what some people say bisexuals are.

Well we are not.

We are just In Between Jobs.

One Red Paper Clip Story

Someone tell me why someone else is always the one to think of something fun and clever first. This is ideal. One man on a mission and a half to trade with people, starting with a red paper clip...and hoping to trade up, little by little, for a house.

Genius.

Scared. Really scared.

Last night, whilst I was standing at the back door smoking, I heard a rustle amongst the bin by the gate. A big rustle. Not a tiny mouse rustle, not even a hedgehog skittle.

My imagination has conjured up anything from a rather big cat, like a lion say, right through to a psycho axe wielding she devil type thing.

So obviously I chucked the fag and locked the door shut.

20 hours later. Meaning now.

Partner has gone to pick up kid and left the back door open.

Cue me having nicotine withdrawal.

Get up to go and have the drug.

There's some massive rustling going on in my kitchen.

I am no way going in there to be eaten by She Devil.

So I am trapped im my bedroom.

Wanting a fag and the 'Thing' out of my house.

The Kellogs Bran Flakes Challenge

I feel like a challenge. Been hungover far too much lately and apparently if I eat a bowlful of Kellogs Branflakes everyday for two weeks, I will be on top of the world. Or my money back. So I have decided to take the challenge as of tomorrow morning, till receipt locked away safely in the 'Kitchen sink handbag' and hey presto!

Here's to feeling great in a fortnight!

How to swear in 169 languages

I just discovered this site. Caution needed when clicking here especially at work!!!!

I will be brushing up on the German swear words that I haven't learnt and surprise my German partner with a good cuss or two:-) What is also of note is the Jamaican section. Very amusing.

Note to all: Pop up heavy on that link so make sure yours is turned on.

What is important in your life ?

Fun is most important in your life. Having a high focus on fun indicates that you value your own enjoyment over anything else. And there is nothing wrong with that. Your motto is we're here for a good time - not a long time. Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Lemon Grass in Worthing

Hmm. I went there for Wary Girl's post birthday dinner. It's a new restuarant opened up in Worthing and to be honest, I wouldn't waste your cash. The seats are rock solid, making your once flabby butt into a flat, square pancake in 30 seconds sharp. They haven't enough waiters so you are sat there waiting for your main course long into the night.

The heat in this deceptively small joint is unbearable. We thought there was a problem with the thermostat but upon touching the radiators discovered they were off. The sound levels are as if you are in a nightclub so forget conversation. Unless you wish to share it with everyone elsse in the restaurant.

The food is ...o.k. Although to say that it is authentic Thai is a bit of a frown line moment. All the time that I was there I felt like a traitor to the Andaman.

I discovered the Andaman a couple of months ago which has new management. This is also in Worthing. Feels like it should be in London. The food is magnificent and real. They are not catering to anyone in particular. Meaning they have not 'adjusted' the food to suit us British. It is real Thai. Presented beautifully. The price is definitely right whereas the Lemongrass is unjustifiably overpriced.

I'm glad I went to the Andaman for my birthday and I know I will not be going back to the Lemongrass to eat again.

Neither should you.

Note: Picture is from the Andaman not the Lemongrass...forgot to take my camera there.

Big breasts and love handles fest

All I seem to be seeing on my daily travels in this country are big breasts and love handles. On women. This can only be classed as disgusting when the two are seen together, in my humble opinion. Don't get me wrong. I love a nice pair of breasts as much as the next bi girl but I have standards.

Why oh why do so many white English girls let themselves go like this?

The most horrific sight I was unfortunate to see this week was at Gatwick Airport. Slim girl, big breasts (so far so good). She turns and walks up the stairs so I am watching her from behind.

What do I see?

The crack.

Between the cheeks.

All the way up the stairs she trots.

Yuk. Yuk. Yuk.

Note to self: Always check the back as well as the front before leaving the house.

Auction fever with Wary Girl

Of course I haven't put Wary Girl up for auction to the highest bidder. Instead this is where we went on Monday in Lewes. I have never been to a real live one before and there really is no comparison with Ebay. The impact of immediate addiction is far, far greater.

Loads of bargains. The best piece in the place we both wanted as we share the same taste. So I let her go for it because there just isn't any space left in my house.

Thinking this Indonesian coffee table, dark wood but weighing a million tonnes, would go for a couple of hundreds at least, imagine our shock when Mr Auction Man started the bidding at 20 quid and before you could say 'eat my panties', Wary Girl had it in the bag.

We hugged each other with joy and relief.

I will definitely go again.

We had a nice day together. She appears to be in a stand off position. Waiting for me to make a move or something but I am put off by the fact that she is seeing my partner's good mate and I never ever want to sleep with him let me tell you.

If I sleep with her I am sleeping with him.

Yuk.

So. I am having to wait this one out.

weird I know.

Note to self: Hurry up and buy a bigger house

Stop celebrating birthdays over 30

I think this. Today. Right now.

Quite depressing it is too, when a market researcher knocks on my door and tells me that I 'don't fit the age bracket ' (therefore not eligible, and not interested in my opinion because maybe they are just worth less now?).

Horrified?

Humiliated more like.

Note to self: Always, always lie about your age from this day forward. No exceptions. Even when the person stares you in the face with a raised James Bond eyebrow.

Best variety sex

The best sex that I have had, I dare to say has been with a woman.

Pause.

Pause some more.

Yep. I think that this is really a true statement. I say this because I wanted to actually add (with the exception of my male partner husband spirit). However. I thought hard between those pauses and decided that there will be no exception.

Men reading this will think or feel that my male partner must not be good enough or something. However. This is all fun (for it is indeed fun, unless you are currently with a confused bi curious girlie who actually needs a slap and you too are female) because men are good and so are women. The opposite can also be true.

What I just find so hard to get my head round is that the best, and I really mean this, variety/varied sex I ever had was with an American dominatrix. That's right. The emphasis is on the former in bold not the latter.

Americans have their faults but when it comes to sex I truly believe you need to get yourself one and give it a go.

I mean, handcuffs, blindfolds, whips, sub and dom in quick reversals, moans, groans, three some interplay, blow, penetrative foreplay are all reasons why I would shout out..."Go America!"

Note to self: Wary Girl has birthday today and when I go to lunch with her tomorrow, DO NOT MESS IT UP OR BE SCARED AND BE ALL STUPID AND RIDICULOUSLY GIRLIE. Just be cool and yourself.

IMP expiry getting on my nerves

Yes. I have finally admitted it. The BBC 'Integrated Media Player' (and there's me thinking it stood for interactive but never mind) is turning out to be not as helpful as I initially thought.

Programmes really do keep expiring on me. Apparently Waking the Dead was a good tv series. I missed it all, even though it was set up to record every episode. How did I miss it? Because I happened to party just a bit too hard, two weekends on the trot, and paid the price by the 7 day expiry rearing it's ugly head.

I am sure the BBC's intention is not for people to speed watch programmes for fear of expiry? Now honestly, what is the point ot all this excitement?

I was watching the Sky+ demo last week on my tv (not because I was bored or anything but due to a re set on the digi box) and it makes much more sense for me to buy one of these than to mess around with the BBC iMP, because at least then I wouldn't miss those BBC programmes..EVER. (There is no expiry on recorded material).

Seems to me that a lot of other people might decide to give more business to Sky (and similar companies) rather than have the uncertainty of the iMP.

Song to self: Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me (Sunday gone actually, but it's a good little song that one;-))